My friend Bob called the other day to say that I, D.J. David B., was invited over to look through the worthless old junk he was cleaning out of his damp, disgusting basement. For some reason people just naturally assume that I want all the crummy books and records they are throwing in the garbage. And they are right.

Bob had all the usual rock ‘n’ roll albums people always keep carefully stored next to the furnace or under a leaky pipe. There were plenty of those familiar records by Fats Domino and Chubby Checker – you know, fat guys with last names the same as games. But Bob had a few that even I had never heard of, and I’ve been in a lot of damp, disgusting basements, let me tell you.

Right under the creaky stairs he had worn-out albums by Pudgy Backgammon, Lumpy Chess and a guy named Tiny Tiddlywinks, who wasn’t really that tiny if you catch my drift.

There was a cracked record from Hefty Scrabble, another by Plump Parcheesi, and two by a group called Fatso and the Chutes & Ladders, hidden under some mildewed blankets.

Two soiled singles by Portly Pinochle, a crusty 12-inch dance mix by Flabby Horseshoes and a greasy box set from a guy named Corpulent Mumblety-Peg were found behind the water heater.

Inside a moist, moldy trunk – sealed since the Fifties – were some amazing scratchy 78’s by Bulky Bagatelle, Overweight Othello and Plump Shuffleboard.

And you won’t believe what was in a cruddy cardboard box along with some oily rags and two inches of vintage filth – worn out 45’s by Stout Ping-Pong, Obese Bingo and Heavyweight Hopscotch, that’s what!

Next to the sump pump was a real find, a soggy box filled with R&B records by a large woman named Big Milles Bornes!

Behind the washing machine, in a flurry of dust bunnies, was the mother lode: records by Beefy Skittles, Blubbery Solitaire and Flabby Mah-Jongg. I was in fat game-guy heaven!

Needless to say, I brought all these records home and promptly stored them in my own musty cellar, along with my collection of Chubby Checker and Fats Domino disks.

Speaking of which, here’s one by Chubby himself and it’s all about Popeye!

Click the link to listen.

Chubby Checker - Popeye The Hitchhiker