Craig: Welcome to “America’s Top Toon-A-MILF–Battle of the Cartoon Moms!” This is the show where YOU decide the sexiest Mom in the Toon World! Things really kicked off big on Mother’s Day with our beautiful Toon Hopefuls! Blonde bombshell Alice Mitchell took an early lead but now both Hottie Betty Rubble and Morticia Addams, whose been called the original Goth Girl, are fast closing in. Trailing behind those three Toon MILFs is lovely Lois Griffin. And getting some repectable votes (if we could call it that) is Bambi’s Mom who is amazingly is getting more votes than Mama Katzenjammer who’s barely on the charts. Guess you folks don’t for the Big Beautiful Woman! Every vote counts in this exciting contest and it’s not over till, I guess, Mama Katzenjammer sings! Before we present our beautiful contestants from which you’ll make your choice, let me again welcome our esteemed judges…
Author of many books, animation producer and historian, from the Cartoon Brew blog, put your hands together for Jerry “Randy Jackson” Beck!
She’s edited the comics in Disney Adventures, worked for DC Comics , now she’s is the ace reporter from The Beat blog. Give a warm welcome to Heidi “Paula Abdul” MacDonald!
He makes and breaks illustrators careers on his wildly popular blog Drawn.ca. He promises to not hold back today when he shoots from the hip reviewing our hopeful Toon Moms. Please welcome the guy you love to hate–no booing please–John “Simon Cowell” Martz…
Craig: Thank you judges, now we’re going meet the “America’s Top TOON-A-MILF” contestants, one of whom will be our sexy winner! We’re going to meet them, yes, right after this word from our sponsor, the incredible, and often sexy themselves, Arf books…
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Craig: Welcome back. They’re toons, they’re tantlizing and they’re here on their day, Mother’s Day!
First, the Flintstones next door neighbor, the comely cave dweller and our first hot mom! She’s married to the shorty Barney, but she has no shortage of admirers. Her perky smile and sweet squeak of a voice has been winning fans since the 1960s. Please welcome to the Toon-A-MILF stage…Betty Rubble!
Jerry: Betty, you are very hot!
Heidi: Betty your fashion is a little too retro. With your great coloring and figure, I’d like to see you lose the hair bow â€“ it’s way too young for you. Also how about some color in your dress? I see you in some highly tailored looks, maybe Calvin Klein or Rebecca Taylor.
John: Thanks for dressing up. What is that thing, a blue throw-rug? It’s clear why Bamm-Bamm was adopted â€” your husband probably never goes near you.
Craig: I guess John doesn’t subscribe to the philosphy of “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all!”
Our next contestant is a tow-headed toon that parents a real menace but always looks great. The shapely, languid-eyed beauty…Alice Mitchell! Give her a hand please!
Jerry: Alice, How could you marry that Nerd!
Heidi: A I’d like to see you get a little more adventurous with your hair, Alice, and venture outside the “Madonna for H&M” look for her wardrobe. And lose the bows! Why is it always the bows? You’re a mom, not a lady lawyer in an 80s movie. You have a good figure, show it off in a classy way with some Marc Jacobs or Stella McCartney.
John: Nice set of legs, Alice, but that’s about it. Where’s the personality? It’s a wonder Ketcham didn’t always draw you from just the waist down.
Craig: Uh, okay, John, speaking of “waste”, your comments sure are!
Mamma Katzenjammer has been called a Big Beautiful Woman has buns and a bun that just wont quit. Her mono-bosom is a big presence in comic strips and now Mama will fill out the Toon-A-MILF stage, give it up for…Mama!
Jerry: Sloppy seconds…
Heidi: Oh boy. Where to begin? Mama Katzenjammer you seem to think growing older is a jail sentence â€“ and you’re the “screw”! The hairdo is way too severe â€“ in fact it’s scary. A haircut and maybe switching to an open toed shoe would be a good start. Again with the fussy bows. A boatneck or scoop neck top would be a great way to loosen up her look without dressing too young.
John: We always see you with a rolling pin, Mama, but we never see any baked goods. You’re clearly eating everything the minute it comes out of the oven, aren’t you, fatty?
Craig: Thank you, Mama Katzenjammer. I wonder where Mama Martz was when John was supposed to be learning manners?!
Our next contestant has family values in spades, ADDAMS’ family values! Let’s go to the dark side and give a warm applause to our next Top Toon Mom hopeful…Morticia Addams! By the way, I see Thing in the front row…so THAT’S the sound of one hand clapping!
Jerry: I love it when you speak French!
Heidi: Morticia you are a very beautiful woman and obviously knows what works for your style, but I think it’s become a “dead end” for you. Come on girl, how about a hint of color? With your pale coloring you need to be careful about getting washed out and looking like a corpse, so you might want to invest in a good bronzer. I think you’d look great in a t-shirt and some Seven jeans for a weekend look.
John: Heidi, she should forget the bronze already! Morticia, just got outside and get some sun, why doncha?
Craig: John, you need to stay HOME more!
Speaking of home…homemaker, wife, popular star on the Fox Network, put your hands together for Fox-y…Lois Griffin!
Jerry: I never watch your show.
Heidi: With a family like yours, I’m amazed you haven’t starred in a remake of “The Burning Bed” but you’re made of tougher stuff, I guess. Nonetheless, you need to break out of your working mom clothes. The preppy look only goes so far. Some great accessories would freshen up your look.
John: Wait a minute… you’re a woman? Everybody on your show is so hideously drawn, it’s hard to tell who’s what.
Craig: Well, John, I’m not sure YOU could tell your elbow from your assine comments!
Anyway…she’s out of the woods, she’s a doe-eyed beauty with true animal magnetism, please make a loud-clapping noise for…Bambi’s Mom!
Jerry: Nice legs!
Heidi: The animal print look can really be overdone and far too trend conscious, but I think it’s a natural here! Well done, and the best of the bunch by far.
John: Drop dead gorgeous.
Craig: Well, Mr. Martz, it astounds me how an arbiter of taste can be so tasteless.
Now the REAL arbiters of taste, you the viewers, will decide who is going to be crowned “America’s Top Toon-A-MILF! Simply click below, Arf Lovers, your vote counts! And be sure and let our Toon-A-MILF finalists know what you think–and let the judges know what you think of THEM, too–in our handy comments section below! And don’t forget to order the fascinating Arf books from our generous sponsor! Now to the voting…
Who's the top Toon-a-MILF?
- Morticia Addams (29%, 188 Votes)
- Alice Mitchell (28%, 183 Votes)
- Betty Rubble (23%, 150 Votes)
- Lois Griffin (11%, 71 Votes)
- Bambi's Mom (8%, 50 Votes)
- Mama Katzenjammer (1%, 11 Votes)
Total Voters: 653
Don’t miss any of the excitement as the contest unfolds! Be sure and subscribe to the Arf Lovers Blog by clicking on the RSS feed in the upper right corner of the blog. Thank you and stay tooned!!
— C. Yoe (in the funny papers)